Guess What?
by Nushka
Summary: Neil is conflicted about his feelings for Todd. Maybe Mr. Keating is able to help - for real this time. Slash. Neil/Todd. Rated T for romance and references to suicide.
1. Chapter 1

1

**A/N: Hey, *waves shyly* newbie in DPS fanfiction! This story is mostly what I would like to happen in Dead Poets Society, because I really hated Neil for killing himself in the movie (although I loved him very much at the same time). It's going to be a two-chapter fanfic. I usually don't like slash that's not really there, but for Neil and Todd I have made an exception. I really hope Neil, Todd, or Mr. Keating are not out of character, but I'm not completely sure. Also, English is not my native language, so, if you notice any mistakes, please just let me know.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dead Poets Society. But, can someone pull some strings, so I get to own just Neil?**

Neil hesitated in front of the door. Was he completely sure he wanted to do this? No, of course not, he could never be sure about something like _that._ He needed to talk to someone about it, though. Knox? No, he was too preoccupied with Chris to care about Neil's doubts and feelings. Charlie – or, as he preferred to be called – Nuwanda? Hell, no! It was more likely for a hippopotamus to appear at Hellton than for Neil to willingly bare his soul to Charlie. Pitts? He would not understand. Meeks? Would he have any idea of what Neil would be talking about? And as for Cameron, Neil was never that close to him. And _Todd_. Well, he couldn't talk to Todd about _Todd_! That only left one option…

"Carpe diem," whispered Neil and knocked softly on the door.

"Yes?" came the answer.

"Mr. Keating?" asked Neil while opening the door. "Oh Captain, my Captain?" he added in a vain attempt to joke.

He saw his teacher sitting on his desk with an open book in front of him, and Neil shivered when he remembered the last time he had visited Mr. Keating in his office to talk to him about his father.

"Well, Mr. Perry, what can I do for you today?"

Mr. Keating smirked playfully, and Neil swallowed his last urge to run away – Jesus, run away! – and never, ever open his mouth. He closed the door and walked swiftly towards Mr. Keating.

"Captain." Neil looked down. "I just needed someone to talk to."

"What happened to the boys?" the teacher asked with genuine curiosity.

Neil swallowed hard.

"I think I need someone with more…experience, I must say."

Mr. Keating nodded.

"I see. Well, I'm all ears!" he said eagerly, and, when he noticed Neil's frown, he added, "What's troubling you, young man?"

Neil sank in a chair.

"I – I think I might have feelings for someone."

Mr. Keating didn't look surprised. Could something actually surprise him? Neil didn't know.

"Define feelings."

"Weird feelings I've never felt before like my stomach is being invaded by butterflies when I'm near hi – the person I'm referring to, or like my heart is going to escape my chest due to the wild pounding it's been doing."

"Aha. I see." Mr. Keating's face was lit up by his usual mischievous grin. "I think we have a very lucky girl here."

Neil closed his eyes in despair.

"That's the point, Captain. She's – she's a _he_."

The teacher's face suddenly turned serious.

"Oh. _Oh_. Okay, then." he said, raising his shoulders. "A boy. You like a boy."

Now that Neil had gotten rid of his burden there was nothing to stop him.

"I just_ like_ being around him. I tried to tell myself that he was just my best friend, but this is not enough! When I see him, my heart skips beats, and I get a warm and fuzzy feeling in my stomach. And when he smiles wildly to me – and that's rarely – I feel even better than I felt when there was a full house applauding me at the end of the play!"

Mr. Keating tried to say something, but Neil continued undisturbed.

"And, I _like_ him. A lot. He moves me, every time he says or does something, it touches me _here_," said the boy placing his hand on where his heart was. "I think about him all the time, noticing little details no one really notices, like the way he chews his bottom lip when he concentrates or the small smile that forms on his lips when he has lost himself in his thoughts. And when he looks at me… I anticipate every day to get a look for him, just so I can smile to him and show him that, even though he doesn't believe it, _I care._"

Mr. Keating attempted to speak once more unsuccessfully. Neil kept on babbling. His palms were sweaty, and he could feel tears forming into his eyes as he was lost in emotion.

"But, this is _wrong_. Don't you see? It comes in contrast to everything I've learned! And my father… he would definitely kill me if he knew! The last time he was angry at me, I almost got sent in a military school! Yet…," he paused, "how can such a pure feeling like the one that's in my heart be _so damn wrong_?"

Neil stopped abruptly when he realized that he had cursed in front of a teacher, although he knew Mr. Keating didn't mind. He took deep, shaggy breaths, but that didn't ease his quickened pulse. He felt feverish, but terribly relieved. His teacher took the opportunity and spoke.

"These are quite strong feelings you have here," observed Mr. Keating

"Captain," said Neil taking a deep breath, "no one knows about this, but the night of the play I almost killed myself."

_He was sitting on his father's desk, his torso naked, and the gun on his hand. His father would never let him pursue a career in acting. His future was set out in every detail before he was even born. The only person his father didn't ask was the person with whose life he was playing with; Neil. His son. _

_Neil was trapped. He knew that. Ten years! Ten years of his life without doing what he loved most, away from his friends! There was only one way to escape this…future hell that was awaiting him. And it was on _his_ hand. Not his father's. _His_. He would kill himself, escape this life, and punish his father at the same time. He raised the gun and looked at it. _Do it_, it whispered. You can do it. All it will take is to press the trigger and it all will be over. Easily. Quickly._

_Yes, he would do it, and he felt…relieved. His father wouldn't have _his_ way. No, his father would have Neil's way. Neil would win eventually. It was right. It _felt_ right. _

_For some reason, an image popped into his head. Todd and him standing on that bridge, laughing, while paper and pens were flying all over them. Todd. Laughing. The world's first unmanned flying desk set… He had made Todd laugh that day. _

Mr. Keating looked at Neil stunned. So he _could_ be surprised. His eyes were huge and…scared.

"Y-You did?" the teacher asked in horror.

A small, hysterical laugh escaped Neil's throat.

"Yes, Captain, I had my father's gun into my hand, and I was ready to pull the trigger, but –"

"But?" said Mr. Keating breathlessly.

Neil's brown eyes sparkled, and he laughed naturally this time.

"But I thought of him!" he almost shouted.

_Todd and Neil jumping from bed to bed. Todd and his impromptu poem about the sweaty – toothed madman in English class. Todd smiling to him and only to him when he found out he would play Puck. And again, Todd laughing. It was such a beautiful sound, and Neil was so grateful that he had gotten to hear it! _

_The gun stopped its progress to Neil's temple. What would Todd think if he killed himself? Neil wondered. He would hurt, that was for sure. Neil bit his lip. He was the only one Todd had ever _talked to_, really. What would he do if Neil was not there? To whom would he talk? Who would _care_ like Neil cared?_

_Neil let go of the gun quickly and it fell to the desk with a faint _thump!_ The same gun that minutes ago he thought would save him now looked repulsive, violent, disgusting. This gun would take him away from Todd. Neil didn't care for his life. But he cared about Todd. He wouldn't hesitate to hurt himself for a single second, but he wouldn't dare hurt Todd. Todd. _

_Neil ashamedly wrapped the gun in the white cloth and put it back into his father's drawer. If he couldn't be in the play, then at least he wouldn't lose Todd._

Mr. Keating stared at the boy, whose excitement started to fade. His eyes didn't lose their sparkle this time, but they watered again.

"This is wrong." Neil whispered, burying his face into his hands.

The teacher stood up and brought his face near Neil's, gently taking the boy's hands in his.

"How is love supposed to be wrong, Neil?" he asked. Neil's breath faltered when he heard the word _love_. "How is something so beautiful that can save lives wrong?"

"Because, Captain, boys aren't supposed to love boys!" His eyes widened at _his _use of the word _love_. "Not in that way at least! Boys are supposed to love girls!"

"Neil, Neil, Neil." sighed Mr. Keating. "Look. I believe with have a soul mate in life. Maybe not just one, but we do have a soul mate. And, when we find that soul mate, what is to stop us, Neil, from being with him or with her?"

"I don't know. Conventions?"

"No, ding! _Ourselves_, Neil. The only thing that is standing in our way is _ourselves_. And the only way to seize the day is to follow our instincts and tell our brain 'Shut up, folk, I'm trying to live here!'"

Neil smiled, but he frowned again. Mr. Keating hit him playfully on the shoulder.

Neil gave him a quizzical look.

"What should I do, Captain?" he asked.

The teacher raised his shoulders, his mischievous smirk back on his face.

"I'd say… talk to him. You'll never know what you may find," he said, focusing mainly on the word _talk, _as if to remind Neil that he hadn't followed his advice the previous time.

"But…," he started and then immediately stopped.

_Isn't there an easier way?_ he wanted to ask, just like when Mr. Keating suggested that he should talk to his father about acting. The idea of talking to Todd, making his feelings know, scared the hell out of him. Maybe even more than talking to his father. Because, let's face it, Neil was a coward. Maybe, he mused, maybe that was the reason he was so good in acting. He was playing the part of the "dutiful son," driven by fear, all of his life. How could he not be good at acting?

Mr. Keating was still smiling at him. Neil, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, stood up.

"You're such a great boy, Neil. You deserve to be happy."

"Thank you, Captain," he murmured and then left.

**A/N: Consider Mr. Keating's words of wisdom about ourselves being the only thing that's standing in our way to happiness some words of wisdom from me. It's something I learnt pretty recently.**

**Review, pretty pretty please? Constructive critcism is welcome!**


	2. Chapter 2

2

**A/N: Hey, you guys! Yes, you, out there, who didn't review! Here's the second and last chapter (TA-DA!). Hope you enjoy it! Again, if you notice anything wrong or inaccurate, please let me know!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own DPS. Well, obviously, since I'm writing on a site called FANfiction!**

Two days had passed after Neil's talk with Mr. Keating. Neil was at study hall, thinking about Todd. There were so many things he hadn't told his teacher about him.

When Todd appeared in the picture, Neil was immediately intrigued by the shy boy and tried to be friendly. He had reached bitter disappointment when the other boy wouldn't seem touched by _anything, _not even by Mr. Keating! Yet, when Mr. Keating forced him to come up with a poem on the spot during the English lesson, Neil was shocked – pleasantly shocked, though. _That boy_,who seemed worthless – who thought himself worthless, - hid such a great talent? Neil just sat there while everyone was clapping as loud as they could, overcome by emotions – pride mixed with admiration and awe mixed with something else completely foreign he couldn't identify that made Neil's heart so _full_. No, Todd was not just a friend to him anymore. He wasn't like a brother to him, either. He was something way more important.

Was it love what he felt for Todd? How could Neil know? He had never been in love before. But Mr. Keating was right. Neil should tell Todd about his feelings the way he should have told his father about the play. Neil didn't listen to Mr. Keating the first time – and look how that ended! Neil begging his father not to send him away to military school! No, he would speak. He would be a coward no more. He owed that to himself, he owed that to Captain. He would talk to Todd, otherwise he would explode.

Once he concluded in this decision, he couldn't contain himself. He kept fidgeting with his pen, and when it finally broke causing ink to destroy Cameron's chemistry homework assignment, Neil couldn't care less. He even complied to rewrite it and didn't flinch when Meeks dropped accidentally all of his books on his foot. And, of course, he completely ignored Charlie's suspicious look.

"Is Neil in here?" asked Knox tapping gently his fist on Neil's skull when Neil entered Knox's room instead of his full of excitement.

When Todd and Neil were finally in their dorm room ready to go to sleep, Neil had already opened and closed his mouth nearly twenty times. He just couldn't figure out a way to start a conversation. "Hey, Todd, I might be in love with you! How does that sound?" Ugh! Neil was usually good with words, but this time his brain and mouth failed him.

Now the lights were out, and Neil kept turning in his bed restlessly. He had to _say_ something _tonight_. Did he? Yeah, he did! But…say? Couldn't he _do_ something? Neil frowned. That was weird. He didn't hesitate for one second to audition for the play, but now he chickened out? The boy swallowed and set his jaw in determination. He was going to do it. If you don't have guts, you don't get the blonde – and Todd was slightly blond.

Neil got out of his bed and approached his roommate's. He sat on Todd's bed and felt him stir, acknowledging the foreign weight on his mattress. He came closer to Todd – his heart pounding so hard that he couldn't hear anything else. His face was now so close to Todd's that he could feel Todd's quick breath on his face, which made the hair at the back of his neck stand up. Todd was staring at him – Neil couldn't distinguish his eye color, but he knew it was blue. He looked kind of frightened, Neil realized.

"N-Neil?" asked the shy boy. "W-What are you doing?"

Neil grinned at his stutter.

"Shh," he reassured him. "Just let me try something."

And with that he closed the distance between their faces. He brushed lightly his lips to Todd's, and when he got no resistance, he dared to deepen the kiss full of caution and curiosity. Neil didn't know what his feelings for Todd were, but _this_, his lips against Todd's felt _right_. It didn't last long, though, since Todd pushed him away gently, but firmly. Neil knew that his grin was formed on his face, starting from one ear and expanding to the other.

"N-Neil? What-what _was_ that?" Todd whispered panicked.

Neil's smile suddenly faded when he realized what he had done. What was he thinking? Boys couldn't kiss boys just like that!

"I'm sorry, Todd." he apologized quickly. "I…I should have never done this. I'm so sorry. I just – I hope I didn't freak you out."

"N-Neil," Todd reiterated. "You kissed me."

The boy didn't know if that was a question or a statement, but he nodded anyway. Shit, he could _feel _Todd blushing.

"Stop it, Neil."

Neil blinked in surprise. Todd's voice sounded unnaturally cold and distant.

"Stop what?"

"S-Stop playing with me!"

Todd blushed even more – maybe in shame, maybe in anger – which made Neil chuckle.

"S-Stop making fun of my feelings! Don't you understand? It's not a j-joke!"

"Of course it's not a joke!" shouted Neil and then burst out in a hysterical laughter that could wake up half of Welton. Oh, sweet Todd thought that he was making fun of him? So he _did_ feel the same way! The idea was so wonderfully beautiful, and Neil felt as if a heavy burden was lifted from his heart, a burden that he carried his whole life without even knowing it existed.

"N-Neil!" Todd whispered urgently. "Cut it out!"

"You think I'm making fun of you?" Neil repeated his thoughts out loud, taking Todd's face in his hands without noticing his slight protest. "Jesus! I…I _like_ you, Todd."

Todd's eyes widened.

"Y-You do?"

"No," said Neil skeptically causing Todd's bottom lip to quiver. "I don't. Wait." He paused. "I _love_ the way you blush all the time. And I _love_ your stutter – although I find it annoying at the same time. And I _love_ your smile. You're so beautiful when you smile. And I _love_ your poetry. Well, technically, I've only heard one of your poems since I didn't read the other one that I stole, but I think we can fix that, can't we? And… guess what?" he grinned.

"W-What?" asked Todd, and Neil knew he had confused him.

"I love _you_, dummy."

The moment he said it, he knew it was true.

"Y-You do?" Todd repeated.

Neil laughed again.

"Um, yeah! Why the hell would I kiss you otherwise, you idiot?"

It was Todd's turn now to laugh – a quiet chuckle that made Neil grin so hard his cheeks hurt, but he didn't care at all.

"I-I thought you wanted to play with me or something. Mess around with me just for fun – you know," he mumbled. When Neil's laugh didn't stop after a few seconds, he continued, "Please, stop laughing. You – you'll wake up the entire school."

Neil hushed, as he was instructed.

"Well, Mr. Todd Anderson, here's something important you must never, ever forget," Neil whispered while bending down to reach Todd's ear. "I would never even _think_ about playing with you." He kissed his cheek. "Except if that was soccer. Then I would definitely play with you."

His lips found Todd's in no time, and this time Todd responded immediately. Todd locked his hands around Neil's neck, pulling him closer and urging him to deepen more the kiss. Neil felt a shiver running through him, finding its way even to his tiptoes. His mind was swirling, and he felt dizzy from the sudden bliss that overwhelmed him. When they were both out of air, they parted. Todd was smiling widely – this smile Neil saw so rarely but adored so dearly.

Then it hit him. Neil thought Todd needed him desperately – maybe he did – but Neil needed Todd just as much, maybe even more. Together, they were perfect. The one completed the other like puzzle pieces. Together, they made one perfect person.

"Guess what, Neil," Todd said calmly, interrupting his thoughts.

"What?" Neil grinned.

"I love you, too."

**A/N: Believe it or not, this is the first thing I ever completed in my entire LIFE! **

**The phrase "If you don't have guts, you don't get the blonde." is shamelessly borrowed (stolen) from the Princess Diaries Series (I think it's in Book #3). **

**Anyway, I have another idea for a fanfic (a multi-chapter one that *hopefully* will finish someday). It's about a girl, fan of DPS, that ends up in the DPS universe trying to prevent Neil from killing himself (no, she won't attend classes in Welton, but she _will_ be a member of DPS). If you're interested in reading it, please leave a review or PM me (come on, guys! It will only take a few seconds!) and I'll start writing right away! Otherwise, I might write it for myself.**

**Review, pretty please? **


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